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writing by Hfeather53

Truth by hypermagical


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January 26, 2013
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Sad
is such
a small word.

Pedants try to
expand it. To
puff
up
their
sadness
with crammed letters; lugubrious,
melancholy.


But sad
is such
a small word.
You
could slip it
in your pocket.
You
could slip me
in your pocket too,
something else
to be
forgotten.
I've been reading Bukowski lately and I just wanted to try something to play around with his line breaks. Does the simplicity work?
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:faint: that last stanza. Holy crap. You give me heart attacks! The fact you are saying "sad" can be put into your pocket was just lovely, and then you go further by saying you could be, too. That you would both be forgotten. I just absolutely adored this. What a neat idea and what a unique view, which you expressed (as always) so wonderfully!

I really wouldn't worry about the simplicity: I think it can make a piece simply astounding. Here, you've worked the line breaks in a way I feel is perfect. It's refreshing and fun to read! The fact that everything is so simple, too, just gave this so much more power, in my opinion. I feel simplicity allows more interpretations and feelings to burst forth and then play off of each other. It was a delicious detail that I ate right up!

Just fantastic job from a fantastic writer! Your words never disappoint, and I'm so very glad that I had the chance to discover and to read through your pieces. I've been left speechless almost every single time, and what a pleasure it has been! :heart::heart:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for your amazingly kind words! Every comment by you is just fantastic to read - I actually check specifically to see whether you've said anything on a new work of mine. It's brilliant to know that you like my work so much - thank you.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the line breaks. Suggests to me someone having difficulty getting the words out, having difficulty breathing. The short lines do indeed suggest sadness. The longer synonyms paradoxically ease the tension for a moment. They obscure the sadness rather than describing it.

Minor, minor thing - I wasn't sure if it was worth mentioning: "lugubrious" (for me anyway) feels like an observer's word. You'd describe someone else as lugubrious but wouldn't say, "I'm lugubrious." It's just you refer to pedants and their sadness... (Oh dear God. I've just realised the irony...)

(Lugubrious, melancholy... Recently the cookies have been asking me if I want to join a Goth dating website. I can't help but wonder if your poem is to blame... ^^")
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
:D glad you got the irony. Sorry if I've been accidentally setting you up with Goths! (We need an r/nocontext for deviantart). I'm really glad you liked the poem overall; your words are always, always welcome.
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:iconallsparra:
allsparra Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
Yes indeed it does. And it is so wonderful. And it rings true for everyone.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
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:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
This is perfect.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
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:iconwillcraft:
willcraft Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think it does, but too many line breaks simply seem jerky, such as putting "you" as a separate line.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
I felt that way about this kind of line break too for a long time, but I really did want to leave everything here in small words, small lines. The you is isolated just to continue the overall theme/feeling of loneliness and isolation - that nobody's really connected and everything is jerky, preplanned but barely, just there. I feel like if I make the poem smoother it will lose something, but I definitely see what you're saying.
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