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Sad
is such
a small word.

Pedants try to
expand it. To
puff
up
their
sadness
with crammed letters; lugubrious,
melancholy.


But sad
is such
a small word.
You
could slip it
in your pocket.
You
could slip me
in your pocket too,
something else
to be
forgotten.
I've been reading Bukowski lately and I just wanted to try something to play around with his line breaks. Does the simplicity work?
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:faint: that last stanza. Holy crap. You give me heart attacks! The fact you are saying "sad" can be put into your pocket was just lovely, and then you go further by saying you could be, too. That you would both be forgotten. I just absolutely adored this. What a neat idea and what a unique view, which you expressed (as always) so wonderfully!

I really wouldn't worry about the simplicity: I think it can make a piece simply astounding. Here, you've worked the line breaks in a way I feel is perfect. It's refreshing and fun to read! The fact that everything is so simple, too, just gave this so much more power, in my opinion. I feel simplicity allows more interpretations and feelings to burst forth and then play off of each other. It was a delicious detail that I ate right up!

Just fantastic job from a fantastic writer! Your words never disappoint, and I'm so very glad that I had the chance to discover and to read through your pieces. I've been left speechless almost every single time, and what a pleasure it has been! :heart::heart:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for your amazingly kind words! Every comment by you is just fantastic to read - I actually check specifically to see whether you've said anything on a new work of mine. It's brilliant to know that you like my work so much - thank you.
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the line breaks. Suggests to me someone having difficulty getting the words out, having difficulty breathing. The short lines do indeed suggest sadness. The longer synonyms paradoxically ease the tension for a moment. They obscure the sadness rather than describing it.

Minor, minor thing - I wasn't sure if it was worth mentioning: "lugubrious" (for me anyway) feels like an observer's word. You'd describe someone else as lugubrious but wouldn't say, "I'm lugubrious." It's just you refer to pedants and their sadness... (Oh dear God. I've just realised the irony...)

(Lugubrious, melancholy... Recently the cookies have been asking me if I want to join a Goth dating website. I can't help but wonder if your poem is to blame... ^^")
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
:D glad you got the irony. Sorry if I've been accidentally setting you up with Goths! (We need an r/nocontext for deviantart). I'm really glad you liked the poem overall; your words are always, always welcome.
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:iconallsparra:
allsparra Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
Yes indeed it does. And it is so wonderful. And it rings true for everyone.
Reply
:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
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:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
This is perfect.
Reply
:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
Reply
:iconwillcraft:
willcraft Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think it does, but too many line breaks simply seem jerky, such as putting "you" as a separate line.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
I felt that way about this kind of line break too for a long time, but I really did want to leave everything here in small words, small lines. The you is isolated just to continue the overall theme/feeling of loneliness and isolation - that nobody's really connected and everything is jerky, preplanned but barely, just there. I feel like if I make the poem smoother it will lose something, but I definitely see what you're saying.
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:iconsheraine:
sheraine Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013
sad is a small word indeed
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
It is.
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:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i really like the last stanza. :heart:
i think the simplicity is perfect.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
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:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome! :heart:
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:iconwannabeliterate:
wannabeliterate Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think it works, in a very poignant way.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
Awesome, thank you!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013   General Artist
sad is when each word can feel as heavy as a metric ton

this is quite the poignant piece, kitkat. Keep up the wonderfulness please :tighthug:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so very much :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   General Artist
Always a pleasure, sweetie (:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Writer
:D hey, want to do another collab?
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   General Artist
Absofreakinglutely kitty! Note meeee! :iconexcitedlaplz:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
Have noted!
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013   General Artist
Just got to see it recently as it refused to open at first. there's something really off about my notes and my laptop in general, you see. Will note you back asap. XD
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Student Writer
Awesome! Thanks tons! :D
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(1 Reply)
:iconohsostarryeyed:
ohsostarryeyed Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
god, yes. also buk is astounding
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student Writer
He was really one of the greats :)
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
raw, emotional, lovely.
Reply
:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013   Writer
Yes, it works. Didn't have a Bukowski-association here, to be honest, but for some reason, I had to think about Suzanne Vega and specificaly 'Small Blue Thing'.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student Writer
Oh, wow, thank you! I've only heard the Queen and the Soldier by Suzanne Vega but it has stayed with me. Her voice and lyrics are lovely. Really honest and true.
I'm kind of glad you didn't immediately associate it, to be honest - it means that my work was my own, and genuine.
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:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013   Writer
You're welcome and glad you enjoy Suzanne Vega. :)
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Student Writer
She's so good. Looking up Small Blue Thing right now :)
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:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Writer
Tell me what you thought of it. :)
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
Oooh, I love Suzanne Vega :)
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:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013   Writer
:D
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's true. <3 the simplicity makes it fabulous.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :) I'm glad that you like it.
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:icontwostrangers:
twostrangers Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
Very raw, love it.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
as others have said the simplicity works. those first two stanzas were particularly insightful.

sad is small but heavy.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
Indeed it is. Thank you for your compliments.
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome :)
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013  Student Writer
This is beautiful.
The simplicity does work, but the last few lines seemed a bit too anticlimactic, considering we jumped from the word sad, to you. The transition wasn't smooth enough for me.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Hey. I haven't responded to the comment sooner not because I was ignoring it, but because in really looking at the writing...well, I can't figure out any way to fix it. Any suggestions? I do love critique, and so I wanted to take a while to figure out how to correctly apply yours. Thank you so much for it :)
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:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
I was beginning to think I had offended you and I am really sorry if I have..
Perhaps adding a little after, "You could slip it in your pocket"? Anything that can help express what you and the word have in common, that you chose to switch to the line after.

It's your work. And it doesn't need fixing if it fits the purpose of you writing it. I love your work, and I really am sorry. :(
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Oh good lord nonononono! It's been taking me a bit longer to get to critiques because I've had a lot going on IRL (hence also the recent lack of uploads) but I would never get mad at anyone for offering me advice.
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:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Oh, I'm sorry that you've had a lot going on. :hug:
And that's a relief. :heart:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
:hug: thank you so much. I'm getting it all sorted out, but it takes a while. I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable!
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Writer
Of course. Not at all! Please don't apologize. :)
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