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Submitted on
June 14, 2012
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And I am not one of you, but
I know what it's like
to want to crawl out of your own skin.

I am not one of you, but
I want to shed this 173.2-pound body, I want
to hear the smack, the boom, the crash
as it hits the floor and moulds gray, I want to see
the bruise flowers write blue and purple obituaries across my white skin
before it dissolves into garden soil, I want
my body to, for once, create something beautiful.

And I am not one of you but
sometimes I have wanted to cut off all my hair.
To lop off this shit stream that's coursing down my back,
to bury it in the back and become some
pixie/lesbian/dyke/whore/boy
I have never wanted this here.

And I am not one of you but
I hate looking in the mirror. I hate the eyes that could never decide
between blue and green, earth
and sky, the eyes that ended up in the middle
right where the stormclouds curl up to rest
and dream nightmares. I am not one of you but
I hate my eyes.

And I know what it's like not to want breasts.
To want to roll them up and hide them like stolen candy wrappers,
like ripped-off prescription pills
because everybody's looking to see if you have them
and I don't want to get caught by anyone.
I want to stay free.

And I am not one of you but
I know what it's like to want them, too.
To want anything to make them take their eyes off my face, the garbage glare
that makes me feel like there are maggots crawling underneath my skin
and maybe if they weren't looking at me
I could take a toothbrush and bug spray
and clean all the cockroaches out of my joints.
To keep scrubbing till you could pick locks with my tibias, till
my bones are small enough and sharp enough
to sew myself back together with
or to slip through the sidewalk cracks
and disappear.

And I am not one of you
but I want to vanish.

I want to vanish too.

And I am not one of you but
I hope neither of us will.
I support all transpeople everywhere; may your transition be safe and painless.
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:iconthe-poisioned-1:
well done and the verses were well put and i loved the impact and the perspective was quite insighful. also was very intense it showed me that sometimes just letting the words of inner hurt and pain are a good way to let things go and let them roll off the shoulders and other times u just gotta vent and then u will feel better and sometimes it best to hold on to it and let it change who u r yet to be is what u gotta do sometimes hat is life and that is the way it is
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
...
I am speechless.

I am so sorry. I seem to be literally and insanely speechless. I shall try to conjure words, but excuse me if they are even more disorganized than usual.

I feel that you've tackled an incredibly touchy subject. Holy F. But you've tackled it in such a way, that you've stolen my heart, my mind, and my jaw. From beginning to end, you had me. You captured me and your words refused to let go. I literally got teary-eyed while reading this: I can relate to this so very much, though I am not one, either. The impact was undeniable, and I feel the emotions still whirling around in my rib cage. It was just so personal and intense... I'm so sorry that most of your comments have been short on this roadtrip. However, it's such a pleasure to read your work. I can think of no other honor than having my breath stolen by your lovely words.
fantastic job. Oh my god I am still emotional, and lost. I'm only sorry that I cannot find the right words. My brain doesn't really want to work right now. Just...keep writing! Your talent is so radiant and blinding, and so many of your pieces help so many people (especially this one, which you've directed at those who are transgender).
I am so pleased to have reviewed your work, and I hope I did an adequate job. :heart::love::heart:
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2014  Student Writer
I honestly can't thank you enough for reviewing my work. Your words are incredible and I'm so grateful that you like my poems so much to put in this time and effort!
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. You're very talented with voicing your emotions. I wish I were this gifted. Amazing poem.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so, so much! :) This means a lot to me.
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. =)
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:iconfelineicecream:
felineicecream Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Student Writer
This is such a sad, beautiful poem. :'( I can relate to the emotions laid out in the poem, and I thought the ending was really powerful. :D
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much! I'm sorry you can relate so well - you sound beautiful to me.
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:iconfelineicecream:
felineicecream Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Student Writer
:3 Aaw, shucks.
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:iconmystictrout:
mystictrout Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012
I related to what you expressed in this poem so intensely that tears ran down my face. Which was awkward because I was in a restaurant on my lunch break >.< I am not one either but a person that I love very very deeply is. I know she loathes, detests, resents her body; and my feelings, that I don't always notice, of being a troll don't even come close but they hurt, and you know exactly how much. I can't favorite this, even though it's so good, because it does hit so close to home, but I really appreciate feeling like someone else knows what it feels like.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you. I know I haven't even chipped off the tip of the iceberg on what your friend must be feeling, but I really saw the parallels here between hating your body and being transgender. I have transgender friends to and...I cannot even imagine how they must feel everyday. God, I'm so sorry I made you cry over your lunch break! Best of luck to you and to your friend - may her transition be short and relatively painless. I hope that things get better soon.
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